After 30 years of this, I finally took my first real step forward

Well, I did it. I worked my edge for the first time. I did a bit of fluid-loading in the evening before having dinner with my wife. I’ve told her about my issue and she’s been super kind about the whole thing and agreed to help me try and work through this. I was a bit nervous, but after we ate, I asked if she was down to help me out, and she said yes. I proceeded to the bathroom and had her stand outside the door, with the door open. She kept talking the whole time, and I thought about asking her to be quiet, because the talking was a bit distracting and adding more difficulty than I wanted to the whole thing, but soon enough I felt the urge to pee intensifying. Within about 30 seconds I started peeing and kept engaging her in conversation. I even asked her to come into the bathroom, both to see if I could keep the flow going with an elevated level of difficulty, and also to further desensitize me to others being around while I’m peeing.

Afterward it seemed like no big deal. Like it was strange that this was ever a problem for me. It felt natural. We talked a bit about how long I’ve dealt with this problem and it seems wild to me that I’ve let it control so much of my life for 30 years. I doubt every stage will proceed this smoothly, or smoothly at all. But I was a bit surprised how easy this was. Fluid-loading helped a lot. I think part of my issue has been not really knowing how urgently I had to pee, and the anxiety around it making me hyper-aware of the state of my bladder. Fluid-loading removes all doubt and makes it obvious that I have to go when I need to do it.

The other main thing has been breath-holding practice. Not so much the breath-holding in the moment itself. I’m trying that out, but I’m still not able to hold my breath for long enough to feel like it really makes a difference. However, I do notice that when I practice the method, I’m left with a sense of ease and calm for 5-20 minutes afterward that is really quite pleasant. It’s like my whole body chills out. That feels pretty nice and helps prime me away from anxiety and toward relaxation when I go to work my edge.

So, yeah. I did it. First challenge succeeded. I’m going to keep working on this with my wife, but the real next step is public bathrooms. That’s where the biggest problem is. That’s the real monster I’ve yet to overcome.