I Challenged Myself to Push Further

I challenged myself to go into the Wal-Mart bathroom and stand at the urinal again. This time I wanted to try for three minutes. No pressure to go. No fluid loading. I just wanted to get familiar with standing in a space in a public restroom I haven’t stood in a long time.

I walked in and there was no one inside. It’s a small bathroom, two stalls, two urinals. But it’s a busy Wal-mart. There was no guarantee it would stay empty.

Someone had propped the door to the bathroom open, and there was a loud family right outside. I stood at the urinal and got ready. Before I’d gone in, I’d done the breath-hold method three times. It doesn’t work to release the inner sphincter for me like some kind of magic spell, but it does chill my nervous system out. So I prepped myself that way and held my breath again now, not with the intention of peeing, but just to get comfortable in this space.

I noticed how nice it was to have the little divider between the urinals. That always felt like an insanely small amount of obfuscation before, but now it felt kind of cozy. Like, as I was standing there I noticed it did actually block the important bits well.

I didn’t fluid load ahead of time, so I didn’t expect anything to happen. But I hadn’t restricted my fluid intake either. I decided to stop doing that before I go out. Kind of like a psychological decision that I’m not going to let this thing control me like that. So I did have a bit of urine built up in the system. I did kind of have to pee, not intensely or urgently, but enough that maybe something would happen.

I heard the loud conversation of the family right outside the bathroom. With the door open it was impossible to miss. And I was all too aware that someone could come in at any time. But that was okay. All they would see is a guy standing at a urinal. I could zip up and leave whenever.

Then I felt something. Like a rumbling of distant thunder.

I did have to pee.

The feeling was there. My mind wanted to latch onto the insecurity of the open bathroom door, the fear of someone coming in, the discomfort of standing in front of the urinal, but instead I focused on something else. I held my breath again and then felt the ease flow in. I focused on that ease. I focused on the feeling that little divider gave me. There was comfort to be found here. I wasn’t in any danger. It was okay.

The urge rose and fell and rose again. I didn’t know if I’d actually be able to do it. It would be easy to get caught up in fear of not going. But I let that go, too. Just standing here was a success. I was already accomplishing my goal by being willing to stand at the urinal and feel like an idiot.

The urge increased.

A few seconds later, the stream began. About thirty seconds later, it was over.

No one came in the whole time. There was never anything to worry about. I finished up, washed my hands, and walked out of there feeling pretty fucking good about myself.

I haven’t pissed in a urinal like that, with people right outside an open public bathroom door, in way longer than I can remember. It’s not pissing in a busy restroom, but it’s something. It’s one more step forward.

I didn’t think I’d be able to do that. And I didn’t force myself. I’m just working that edge consistently. And I’m seeing where it takes me.