I Want to Believe It's Possible to Get Over This

After last week’s win, I began feeling a bit better about myself and my progress. I know progress isn’t always a stable forward motion. Sometimes you gotta fall back, then get back up and keep going. Well, this week I kept going.

I practiced with my wife on Wednesday and found that I’m still having problems there. I was using a bit of a crutch in letting her be on her phone while I practiced before. Something about knowing her attention was someplace else made it easier for me. Now she uses this time to take off her makeup and chat with me. That was enough that I couldn’t make it happen. But I remembered Liberated_Waters recommending I just sit down instead of standing. So I tried that. At first, nothing happened. I accepted that maybe nothing was going to happen and just focused on accepting that. But then I got caught up in conversation with my wife and before I knew it, the stream was flowing. It’s almost as if all I really need to do is move my attention away from thinking about peeing and the body takes care of the rest.

I practiced in the Wal-Mart bathroom again, but this time I made sure to fluid-load ahead of time. That seemed to help. When I went inside, there was one guy already at one of the urinals and another guy in one of the two stalls. Funny how much of a nightmare this situation would have been a few weeks ago, now I just accept that I probably won’t be able to go, but I can at least get used to standing there and being uncomfortable.

The thing that came through most clearly for me as I unzipped and stood there, was how weird I felt. Like a part of me was so worried about what the guy next to me was thinking, what the guy in the stall was thinking. They’d think I was a weirdo of course. Standing there and not peeing. But I know that’s probably not true. And if it is true, it’s no big deal. So much of this condition is me worried about what other people think about me. But I know most people don’t even care. So why do I care?

The guy next to me finished up. I practiced the breath-hold and it worked to calm me down, but I’ve been unable to hold it long enough to get the inner sphincter to release. Another guy came in and started using the urinal next to me. I wanted to zip up and just leave, but I told myself I’d stand here for at least 2 minutes, even if it felt awkward, even if I felt like an idiot.

And the truth was that I could feel the urge pressing. I did have to go urgently. I wanted to go. But my mind kept thinking about everyone around me. The stall-guy finished up, and the second urinal guy did the same. Within another thirty seconds, they were both gone and I was in the bathroom alone. A few seconds later the stream began.

Two months ago I never would have stood at the urinal at all. I wouldn’t have even gone into this bathroom. I may not be able to piss at a urinal with other dudes right there, but going immediately after is a step forward. I’m better than I used to be, and I want to believe that if I keep challenging myself, I’m going to keep improving.

Good luck out there to all of you who are going through this and pushing forward. It’s possible to change. We just gotta keep moving forward.