I'm Not Stopping

I’ll be honest, I was kind of demotivated after last week. I didn’t want to be. I wanted to keep going strong, but it was hard to keep pushing myself to be uncomfortable, to stand at urinals when I didn’t have to take a piss, or even when I did and knowing nothing would happen.

But I kept doing it anyway.

I practiced two more times in public, just standing at the urinal, practicing the breath-hold, and getting used to occupying the space. I felt incredibly awkward in the busy Wal-Mart bathroom standing there and not pissing with a dude right next to me. The thoughts of how stupid I looked kept grabbing at my attention. I wasn’t pissing. They could definitely hear that I wasn’t pissing. They definitely thought I was some weirdo just standing there. The guy next to me finished and washed his hands at the sink. He must be thinking about how weird I am. I felt like I had to keep standing there at least till he left so he wouldn’t think I was trying to pee and just failed at it. So I kept standing there awkwardly.

Then another guy came in and started using that same urinal right next to me. I pretended I was finishing up and backed away. I walked out of there feeling so stupid. But I didn’t quit. I’m not going to quit.

Yesterday I went to a busy grocery store again. I actually had a fairly strong urge to pee. I had committed myself to at least stand at the urinal for a couple of minutes. I walked in and it sounded like someone was making noise in one of the stalls. I stood at the urinal and breathed out, then held my breath for maybe ten seconds. Almost no time at all. But soon enough I felt the urge to pee surging. I actually had to go and it felt like it was going to happen. My mind freaked out a bit and I glanced at the door, but no one else was coming in. I held my breath again and it just… happened. Within moments I was letting loose the stream, and a little while later it was over. I washed up and walked out, surprised by the victory.

I don’t actually know if there was someone else in the bathroom. I could have been mistaken about the sounds I heard. But the urge was strong enough, and the breathing relaxed me enough to collapse my focus down to where I didn’t care. I just let go and it happened.

It’s not easy feeling the embarrassment of standing at a urinal next to someone else and not going. I hate that feeling. But if that’s the price I have to pay to get over this thing, I’ll pay it a hundred times if I have to. I’m not quitting.