Why Do I Let This Fear Consume Me?

On Wednesday I decided to try peeing with my wife in the bathroom with me, instead of just outside the open door. In some sense, that’s not a huge change, but it was significant to me. I fluid-loaded ahead of time to help make sure I really had to go and there was no doubt. We sat down to eat dinner and then watched a show. My bladder was throbbing from the moment we started eating, but I wanted to finish dinner before giving this a shot. Then I wanted to finish the episode of the show. Even though my bladder was aching at this point.

The reality was that these were convenient excuses to avoid doing the thing I was afraid of. Man, it’s hard to see this part of myself, but I’m like this way too much of the time. I avoid what freaks me out. I run the other way, I make up reasons why I shouldn’t do something, or at least shouldn’t do it right now. I was spinning around in my head till the end of the episode. But then it was over and it was time. I still wanted to avoid it, but I didn’t. I turned to my wife and asked if she was willing to help me out with this, and we went into the bathroom together.

She sat on the edge of the tub, looking at her phone, and I stood in front of the toilet and unzipped. Then I waited. Was anything going to happen? Was I going to look like an idiot in front of my wife because I couldn’t do this basic fucking thing that seemingly everybody else has no problem with? I used the breath-hold method, not because it’s working super well for me yet, but because it at least focuses my mind on something else and seems to chill my brain out a bit. I only held my breath for ten seconds, but on the exhale I felt my abdomen relaxing. Instead of just feeling nervous, I felt the desire to urinate rising.

After a few more moments, it was happening, and it was almost effortless. I was peeing and started chatting with my wife. We went back and forth while my bladder mercifully emptied itself. I’d held it an additional hour longer than I intended and the feeling of urgency had become a dull ache. That finally eased up and at the end, as I shook the last few drops free, it felt like no bid deal. Like, why would I care if someone was in the bathroom with me while I peed?

I took that step forward, then I took another one.

On Thursday, I’d decided to check out the bathroom at Wal-Mart where I buy groceries every week or two. It’s a crazy busy Wal-Mart. Always tons of people in there. So I figured it would be a good place to practice trying to use a urinal with other people around. But I’m not trying to push forward super fast, instead I’m progressing in degrees. The first step was just to check it out, but I wanted to challenge myself a bit more than that. I decided I wouldn’t fluid load ahead of time. I didn’t even plan on trying to pee at all. What I planned on doing was standing in front of the urinal and seeing what it would feel like to go through the motions as if I was urinating.

I found the bathroom at the back of the store and walked in. Right away, there were two employees chatting by the sinks. The bathroom was small. Two urinals, two stalls. Usually my perfect nightmare. If I’d really had to go, this would have created so much stress in me. But I didn’t. I was just here to practice. I walked past the two dudes and looked at the options. I was tempted to chicken out and just go into a stall for a minute or two. Was I really going to stand in front of a urinal and pretend to pee while two dudes were loudly talking a few feet away?

Yes. That’s exactly what I was going to do.

I walked over to the far urinal, unzipped, and stood there, pretending for about a minute. I let myself feel the thoughts that rolled through my mind. How stupid I must look. How embarrassing this all was. How ridiculous it was to do exactly what I was doing. I stood there and felt all those feelings as long as I could stand it. Then I zipped back up and washed my hands at the sink. The two employees had broken up their conversation. One had left and the other was now peeing in the same urinal I’d just stood in front of. Another guy had entered during and gone into a stall.

No one cared.

No one even noticed what I had been doing.

I don’t watch what other people are doing in the bathroom. Why the hell would anyone care what I’m doing? Again I was left with that feeling that I let these silly thoughts consume me. The thoughts that freak me out in the moment aren’t real. No one’s paying attention to me. Why am I letting this fear consume me if it’s not even real?

I dried off my hands and walked out.

I know I’ve been a fool for letting this issue consume so much of my life for 30 years. The more I lean into it, the more I face the actual things I fear right at the edge, the less real the fear becomes. It’s like some horror movie monster that only has power when you’re running away from it. I’m not planning on taking any huge leaps just because I’m having success right now. I’m going to keep taking it slow and work my edge one step at a time. The real thing I’m going to do is not let the fear intimidate me. When I walked into that bathroom and those two dudes were standing there talking, I could have gone into the stall and avoided facing my fear. But I didn’t. Even though it felt stupid. Even though I felt like a fool. I faced it.

I am moving forward.